Life

Things have changed. I can't quite put my finger on it but there has definitely been a change. When I look back over the last couple of years the words horrendous, scary and exhausting first leap to mind but then I think rewarding, learning and challenging.
When I first sold my business I just did not know what to do with myself being a total workaholic. I have worked since I was 17 years old - my first job on a Kibbutz in Israel and my now I am Chair of North Norfolk Different Strokes. But is it my last job, who knows.
Then I had two chronic illnesses to deal with and the icing on the cake - a mini-stroke. I gave up at one point - thought 'this is it - I am going to spend the rest of my life in pain, hardly mobile and exhausted'. I stayed in bed, pulled the blinds, avoided everyone, didn't go it. Gave up.
That lasted for about a year and friends fell by the wayside because I changed from an outgoing, exuberant, bubbly person into a reclusive, introverted and frightened person.
Then that all changed when my rebellious nature kicked in and I was suddenly on the move - snowboarding, flying birds of prey again, then travel, travel, travel - it was like an explosion of activity of pent up frustration.
Now, this year I am more settled, more eager to get involved with things, happier going out, looking for paid work, lupus in remission and aiming to organise my life. Things still scare me - especially people and situations where I feel vulnerable or out of control. New friends have come into my life, new situations and I finally have stopped feeling guilty about not working full-time. I am enjoying a new hobby - painting, re-establishing an old one - falconry and have even applied for two jobs - one of which I have an interview for next week.
So I have changed - I feared the future - now I don't - I aim to live in the moment as much as possible. I used to be a workaholic - now I am not and have come to terms with that. I am allowing my creative side to come out whereas before I repressed it.
I am living again.