My predictions for 2010

January: The month is so cold that people are burning copies of An Inconvenient Truth to keep warm.

February: Al Gore announces that he’s holding a Global Warming conference in Aruba, but that it has nothing to do with the frigid temperatures in the US.

March: Vacation

April: Terrorists from Gitmo arrive in Pentonville which has three distinct advantages: It’s cooler, it wasn’t opened by George Bush and it’s not called “Gitmo,” (it's now called The Penthouse) so the media and America-bashers are fine with it. Other than that, there’s no difference. Gordon Brown announces a plan to enhance revenue by selling tickets to win a chance to waterboard terrorists. The new lotto takes in £200 million the first week.

May: Al Gore announces that Global Warming has become so bad, he’s developed an emergency plan to lower his personal carbon footprint to only 20 times that of the average American by the year 2018 "or thereabouts." His return to the conference in Aruba is delayed when his personal jet is grounded by a freak spring snowstorm.

June: Several terrorists at what is now called The Penthouse escape and take Mayor Johnson hostage. They demand £5 million and a McDonald's franchise as ransom, so they can better understand western decadence. Alistair Darling announces a ten cent increase in VAT “to free our beloved Mayor,” but the tax increase bill fails to get any votes. The Taliban in Afghanistan surrender, hoping to get sent to The Penthouse.

July: Vacation

August: Vacation

September: Al Gore is embarrassed to learn he has won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction for An Inconvenient Truth. He leads an expedition to the Arctic to “say goodbye to the Polar Bears,” but is caught in a freak summer blizzard. Though unarmed, Gore survives on the meat of abundant Polar Bears by talking them death. PETA declares him “Public Enemy Number One.

October: Vacation

November: The media and Labour are stunned when the Conservatives sweep to power in the people-power elections, taking control of both the Houses of Commons and Lords with substantial majorities. Gordon Brown says he hopes the Conservatives will work with him with the same bipartisanship and transparency that has characterised his presidency.

December: In an amazing political comeback and overthrow, Gordon Brown announces that he has balanced the budget and eliminated the deficit. It plunges again when the BBC reveals that Brown did this by selling Hammersmith, Ipswich, Manchester and Liverpool to four Eastern European drug cartels, or, as he calls them, “Undocumented Pharmacists.” The country is held together when, before the sale can go through, China forecloses on the UK, which will now be called Tibet West. All members of Parliament and government are sent to The Penthouse which China re-opens.