Here we are on the edge of 2010 and I look forward with excite and anticipation as to what each new day will bring. When I look back over the year I see triumphs, sadness, loss and from each of these I have learned something. My third year of living with Lupus and HMS - what a learning curve that was.
What wonderful people I have met through these diseases and what things I have done that I may not have done without the illnesses.
Then a stroke. However these three illnesses have completely changed my concept of what is important in life - the small things - not the huge things. Just like Virginia Woolfe in The Waves what is considered to be of great significance is in brackets and the microscopic stream of consciousness things and the tiny things have become of great importance.
I have also shed unhealthy relationships - family and friends - and this has benefitted me so much that I can hardly believe it. I feel free of the burden of other people's guilt, neurosis and insecurities - I felt I had to carry them through but no more. I have made some beautiful friendships and re-kindled friendships with people who have moved away and then come back.
There is nothing that has happened that I regret, nothing that I have done or said - would I change - no. There are people that have hurt me (or I have allowed myself to be hurt) but that is only because they are so hurt themselves that they lash out at me.
The greatest thing is it is all in balance - every occurence - be it painful or joyful - has balanced out. There were times when it was all too much, when I couldn't cope, so I sought solace in nature and the natural world - and I always find it. Whether it is sent to me such as the kestrel and the robin or I just catch a glimpse of that beautiful golden hue just before sunset, hear a birdsong, come face to face with a roe deer in the woods - these mean more to me than a new pair of shoes or the latest telephone.
There are those I think of at these times that have died and I miss them so much - especially David, Pip-Pip, Maurice and so many others that were so important to me. Then the new ones come in - Grania, Helene, Hazel, Pete and they gradually fill up these empty holes with their joy, their honesty, their integrity and fun.
Of course, those that have moved away Karen, Claire, Liz and more who I can keep in touch with so easily by technology or just go there. I am thankful for all of this.
I look forward to 2010 - a day at a time, an occurence at a time, each one moving me towards another new learning.
I welcome each day be it a pyjama day when I can hardly think because of pain, an over-the-top day when I do something off-the-wall and spontaneous, an ordinary day of shopping and lunch, a day of naughtiness, a day when tragic news come along, a totally surprising day, a lonely I don't want to go on day - whatever it is each one is precious.
So 2010 - bring it on. Whatever is in store I am here to face it and embrace it.
